I want to talk about the "stories" we create that cause us to create unnecessary drama in our lives, AND the lives of others - and all the pain it can cause to those involved. I think about teenagers, for example - who are in a very egoic state for the most part - and how they can often keep making demands and behave ungratefully, even when we feel, as parents, we are giving and giving and giving. There are many adults who are still stuck in this egoic state to a large extent, but teenagers epitomize the genre or example here. Really what causes this, is a belief that a teen always has to be "in the know" or "on the scene" engaging in social activities - either in person or through electronic devices. Or if something happens that causes a teen to feel "less than," like things did not go as they planned - acting out and purposely irritating others, deflects the problem away from them - the teen no longer has to think about their own perceived "problems" because now the focus can be on the drama they created. The behavior caused by this feeling of comparative lacking, is often narcissistic. They lash out by speaking in rude tones to those around them, or by acting rude and disrespectful. Afterwards, they have to "justify" their behavior so they come up with new interpretations on the events to get others to agree with them - how badly they have it.
Most teens go around in a constant state of agitation about what is going on in their lives. They often want things - partying with friends, the best student - needing to be the center of attention, and when he/she wants something, they demand it "now!" Sadly even when they "get it" it is not enough. It was not like they thought it would be - did not meet their expectations. The parent has difficulty dealing with this, for wanting to help the teen feel good - this parent does everything humanly possible to give the teen what he/she wants, when they want it. Rarely does this parent say "no." Over time, the parent begins to feel resentful toward the imposition of always pleasing the teen, and RARELY getting a "thank you" or "I appreciate your help." Instead, the teen disrespects the parent and says very disrespectful things about him/her. When the parent finally has enough, because he/she has been battered down, and lashes out by shouting because he/she feels so frustrated, instead of feeling compassion, the teen lashes back, accusing the parent of being "terrible" and a "monster." We are assuming here that there is NO history of abuse or physical altercations.
The most striking thing here is how all the months of goodness of such a parent toward the teen is overlooked because the parent has an emotional outburst that the teen seldom sees. Compare this to perhaps another parent, who often loses his/her temper and yells, and chastises - a teen would (sadly) likely be used to that - and so would not judge THAT parent so harshly.
Now add that this teen involves others, including younger siblings, extended family and friends, etc. in his/her drama - and convinces them of the "terribleness" of this parent. The parent is a victim here. And so are the siblings, family members and friends who get involved in this drama. But why? Here, the teenager's ego has been activated in a way that he/she cannot be wrong, cannot see how ungrateful and self-righteous he/she has been behaving. This behavior is extreme unconsciousness. By involving others in his/her drama, the teen in our example, musters support for his/her position - validating and strengthening his/her egoic position. Selfishly putting him/her in a place of perceived power so he/she does not have to feel the pain of the earlier perceived failure or lack. The damage to those he/she involves in his/her drama is significant - but he/she does not see it. We can all see parts of ourselves in this lengthly drama. Sometimes we are the teen, and other times we are the parent. So what is there to do?
"Being present" is a very important method for a parent to use to prevent "blowing up" or otherwise lashing out at the teen. But how does a parent do this and still provide the teen with an opportunity to see just how unconscious and badly he/she is behaving? Or get the teen to be able to examine his/her own behavior and feelings? This is one of the areas of spiritual development that I often ponder, because it does involve "drawing a line" that once crossed we must stand up for ourselves and do something to stop the behavior (we must mount a response - that is not reactive). Typically a spiritual seeker might maintain presence by not engaging the teen - not reacting to the teens bad behavior - so a form of nonreaction. The idea being that without getting the reaction, the teens bad behavior will extinguish or burn out. But as the teens behavior accelerates, trying harder and harder to get the parent to react, they may engage in behavior that crosses a parent's line of tolerance, and a parent must then engage the teen in some manner to stop the behavior. Certainly we can agree that yelling or calling the teen names would not be a good response to the teen's aggressive behavior - remember, that is the very thing the teen wants to create to deflect from dealing with their own emotions and insecurities. A parent may need to take a "time out." If the teen is in a safe place, a parent can go to his or her room and shut the door, saying, "I need some time alone." Or the parent may calmly explain the consequences to the teen for their bad behavior. "You are speaking to me in an unacceptable and disrespectful tone, and therefore, you are grounded tonight" - or "...do not get allowance this week" - or "...you lose your car privileges for a three days" or some other consequence for their bad behavior. Then it is extremely important for the parent to enforce the consequences. If the teen continues his/her bad behavior, a parent should send him/her to their room until he/she has calmed down. The parent should say all this as calmly as possible. A parent generally cannot reason with a teen who is in an unconscious reactive state, because the teen is not capable of rational thought during these times. A parent can only try to get the teen to "feel" the underlying feelings, and sending a teen to his/her room, or grounding him/her will give the teen time to do this. A parent should by no means try to placate the child by trying also to deflect - for example, where the teen is reacting, the parent might offer incentives to get the teen to stop - like, "I'll give you money for a movie," or "why don't you ask some friends over?" This type of behavior on the part of the parent, will just make the teen's behavior so much worse. Instead, the parent here, should set up some "rules" that require respectful interactions and behavior. Whether the "teen" is able to see their behavior is the question.
Someone once told me that he has four main rules in his house for his children: 1) Don't break the law; 2) Do your work (which includes school work); 3) obey house rules; and 4) be respectful. Often this is a good place to start a discussion, but during an acute episode of acting out, focusing on the 4th one is a good idea - a teen who is not acting respectfully should be face consequences - like being grounded or losing privileges. Even if the parent did not behave in a model way, the parent can apologize for his behavior but take the discussion right back to the teens behavior, and consequences.
These ideas apply not only to teens - perhaps there is someone at work or someone in the family (a sibling or parent) engaging in similar behavior. Write down some examples where you have been the parent, and where you have been the teen. How does that feel? Remember, we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves, our reactions/responses to others - but we can insist that others treat us respectfully, or impose consequences.
Most teens go around in a constant state of agitation about what is going on in their lives. They often want things - partying with friends, the best student - needing to be the center of attention, and when he/she wants something, they demand it "now!" Sadly even when they "get it" it is not enough. It was not like they thought it would be - did not meet their expectations. The parent has difficulty dealing with this, for wanting to help the teen feel good - this parent does everything humanly possible to give the teen what he/she wants, when they want it. Rarely does this parent say "no." Over time, the parent begins to feel resentful toward the imposition of always pleasing the teen, and RARELY getting a "thank you" or "I appreciate your help." Instead, the teen disrespects the parent and says very disrespectful things about him/her. When the parent finally has enough, because he/she has been battered down, and lashes out by shouting because he/she feels so frustrated, instead of feeling compassion, the teen lashes back, accusing the parent of being "terrible" and a "monster." We are assuming here that there is NO history of abuse or physical altercations.
The most striking thing here is how all the months of goodness of such a parent toward the teen is overlooked because the parent has an emotional outburst that the teen seldom sees. Compare this to perhaps another parent, who often loses his/her temper and yells, and chastises - a teen would (sadly) likely be used to that - and so would not judge THAT parent so harshly.
Now add that this teen involves others, including younger siblings, extended family and friends, etc. in his/her drama - and convinces them of the "terribleness" of this parent. The parent is a victim here. And so are the siblings, family members and friends who get involved in this drama. But why? Here, the teenager's ego has been activated in a way that he/she cannot be wrong, cannot see how ungrateful and self-righteous he/she has been behaving. This behavior is extreme unconsciousness. By involving others in his/her drama, the teen in our example, musters support for his/her position - validating and strengthening his/her egoic position. Selfishly putting him/her in a place of perceived power so he/she does not have to feel the pain of the earlier perceived failure or lack. The damage to those he/she involves in his/her drama is significant - but he/she does not see it. We can all see parts of ourselves in this lengthly drama. Sometimes we are the teen, and other times we are the parent. So what is there to do?
"Being present" is a very important method for a parent to use to prevent "blowing up" or otherwise lashing out at the teen. But how does a parent do this and still provide the teen with an opportunity to see just how unconscious and badly he/she is behaving? Or get the teen to be able to examine his/her own behavior and feelings? This is one of the areas of spiritual development that I often ponder, because it does involve "drawing a line" that once crossed we must stand up for ourselves and do something to stop the behavior (we must mount a response - that is not reactive). Typically a spiritual seeker might maintain presence by not engaging the teen - not reacting to the teens bad behavior - so a form of nonreaction. The idea being that without getting the reaction, the teens bad behavior will extinguish or burn out. But as the teens behavior accelerates, trying harder and harder to get the parent to react, they may engage in behavior that crosses a parent's line of tolerance, and a parent must then engage the teen in some manner to stop the behavior. Certainly we can agree that yelling or calling the teen names would not be a good response to the teen's aggressive behavior - remember, that is the very thing the teen wants to create to deflect from dealing with their own emotions and insecurities. A parent may need to take a "time out." If the teen is in a safe place, a parent can go to his or her room and shut the door, saying, "I need some time alone." Or the parent may calmly explain the consequences to the teen for their bad behavior. "You are speaking to me in an unacceptable and disrespectful tone, and therefore, you are grounded tonight" - or "...do not get allowance this week" - or "...you lose your car privileges for a three days" or some other consequence for their bad behavior. Then it is extremely important for the parent to enforce the consequences. If the teen continues his/her bad behavior, a parent should send him/her to their room until he/she has calmed down. The parent should say all this as calmly as possible. A parent generally cannot reason with a teen who is in an unconscious reactive state, because the teen is not capable of rational thought during these times. A parent can only try to get the teen to "feel" the underlying feelings, and sending a teen to his/her room, or grounding him/her will give the teen time to do this. A parent should by no means try to placate the child by trying also to deflect - for example, where the teen is reacting, the parent might offer incentives to get the teen to stop - like, "I'll give you money for a movie," or "why don't you ask some friends over?" This type of behavior on the part of the parent, will just make the teen's behavior so much worse. Instead, the parent here, should set up some "rules" that require respectful interactions and behavior. Whether the "teen" is able to see their behavior is the question.
Someone once told me that he has four main rules in his house for his children: 1) Don't break the law; 2) Do your work (which includes school work); 3) obey house rules; and 4) be respectful. Often this is a good place to start a discussion, but during an acute episode of acting out, focusing on the 4th one is a good idea - a teen who is not acting respectfully should be face consequences - like being grounded or losing privileges. Even if the parent did not behave in a model way, the parent can apologize for his behavior but take the discussion right back to the teens behavior, and consequences.
These ideas apply not only to teens - perhaps there is someone at work or someone in the family (a sibling or parent) engaging in similar behavior. Write down some examples where you have been the parent, and where you have been the teen. How does that feel? Remember, we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves, our reactions/responses to others - but we can insist that others treat us respectfully, or impose consequences.
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