Many people live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, fear and or anger - kind of like an undertow of intense emotions about not living up to a perceived social "ideal," or our own expectations about how things "should" be. It can feel like you are digging a hole in the sand - as you dig, the walls of the hole collapse. You get glimmers of happiness during the moments when you feel aligned with your perceived social ideal and goals - but these "highs" are short-lived, because shortly after the excitement of that, the next perceived shortcoming pops up in your mind, causing us to to feel "less than" again. Left unexamined, these feelings create a "self loathing" that can cause us to engage in destructive behaviors. This can be expressed in many ways - the best known, would be something like substance abuse, emotional eating, or intense episodes of anger or frustration. Other, more subtle, and less talked about behaviors, such as creating drama to deflect (the "blame game") or going on buying binges to feel the highs of the shopping experience, are just as common as something as overt as substance abuse or anger issues, but warrants some discussion, because it is something ALL of us have witnessed either by doing it, having it done to us, or watching someone close to us do it, at some point in our lives. For example, a drama-creator might cut others down to deflect from their own unhappiness and self loathing - a person engaged in this pattern of behavior might create "enemies" that they can focus their hatred and disdain at - and this not only harms the drama creators, but people close to them. Often drama creators are unable to see their own roles in the drama that created the anger or hatred they feel - and by keeping that anger or hatred alive can harm themselves in ways similar to a substance abuser. People who get caught in this type of emotional/behavior pattern create superficial rationalizations to justify their destructive behavior, like, "people just need to know (why I'm right)!" While in reality, they really are angry with, or hate themselves, and only are able to build themselves up, by tearing others down, and making sure that everyone "agrees with" their opinions about things. Drama creators thrive on the ups and downs of their behavior, for those who live with or have drama creators in their lives, it is emotionally exhausting - it's like watching a car wreck, and after passing the "wreck" (or the last drama), they start actively looking for opportunities to create/cause the next "accident." Drama creators feel empty or unhappy after their most recent drama has come to an end. Once the emptiness sets in, drama creators find a new situation involving that hated person or situation, or wait for/create a new person or situation to focus their anger on. They often drive people away from them because people around a drama creator get "tired" of hearing about all of the "terribleness" of this person, or that. If someone close to you is often sharing victim stories or telling you about something someone did or said, in a tone of disgust or judgement, watch out! I always say (as many others before me - too many to name) that if someone is speaking badly about someone else to you, in a way that seeks your agreement on the terribleness of that person, IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY WILL BE SPEAKING ABOUT YOU THAT WAY TO SOMEONE ELSE! The best way to handle interactions with a drama creator is to ignore remain in a heightened state of consciousness around them so you do not get "drawn in" and find ways to avoid them as much as possible - of course do not add to their speaking ill of others - if you must listen, say things like, "I'm sorry for you," or "I'm sorry you feel that way..." but do not add to the drama by agreeing with them, or telling them "stories" about how you were a victim in a similar drama - stay objective.
As always, it is useful to create extreme examples for us to use to examine our own behavior and lives. Meaning, just because we can relate to having created drama at some point or another, to deflect from some issue we had, not everyone is a life time drama creator. We can probably all look back at situations in our lives when we were that person (but I bet most people who are reading my blog have gone through a higher level of introspection than many others). This can help us as we move forward to understand ourselves and others. With these types of examples, it's a matter of degree - how often did we - or do we, do this, and maybe we have done it in our personal lives, but not business lives, or visa versa. It is important to remember that these behaviors are habitual - and with patience and conscious attention, we can learn NOT to fall into this pattern of behavior. The first and most important step is recognizing this pattern in yourself or others - and how you respond to it. Remember too, that by forgiving someone who we think has injured us in some way, we are releasing ourselves from the binds of feeling anger, anxiety and fear toward that person or toward the situation, when we replay the event or events happening in our minds. Forgiveness does not mean we have to hug the person, or allow them into our lives - it just means we let go of the emotional charge of the events that led to us feeling vicitmized or wronged in some way.
Exercise: Try to think of someone who you would consider a "drama creator." Write in your journal a recent interaction with that person, and how it made you feel at the time you were interacting with them. Then try to remember how you felt about the situation later that day, and write that down. Did you pass on any of the information they told you? If so, write down how that made you feel. Next time you see this person, stay very attentive, listen to what they are saying, and try responding with the words above, "I'm sorry for you," or "I'm sorry you feel that way..." and then allow there to be spaces between the words so you can really feel how the words they told you effected you. Write that down. Keep this practice up, until it becomes a new habit.
As always, it is useful to create extreme examples for us to use to examine our own behavior and lives. Meaning, just because we can relate to having created drama at some point or another, to deflect from some issue we had, not everyone is a life time drama creator. We can probably all look back at situations in our lives when we were that person (but I bet most people who are reading my blog have gone through a higher level of introspection than many others). This can help us as we move forward to understand ourselves and others. With these types of examples, it's a matter of degree - how often did we - or do we, do this, and maybe we have done it in our personal lives, but not business lives, or visa versa. It is important to remember that these behaviors are habitual - and with patience and conscious attention, we can learn NOT to fall into this pattern of behavior. The first and most important step is recognizing this pattern in yourself or others - and how you respond to it. Remember too, that by forgiving someone who we think has injured us in some way, we are releasing ourselves from the binds of feeling anger, anxiety and fear toward that person or toward the situation, when we replay the event or events happening in our minds. Forgiveness does not mean we have to hug the person, or allow them into our lives - it just means we let go of the emotional charge of the events that led to us feeling vicitmized or wronged in some way.
Exercise: Try to think of someone who you would consider a "drama creator." Write in your journal a recent interaction with that person, and how it made you feel at the time you were interacting with them. Then try to remember how you felt about the situation later that day, and write that down. Did you pass on any of the information they told you? If so, write down how that made you feel. Next time you see this person, stay very attentive, listen to what they are saying, and try responding with the words above, "I'm sorry for you," or "I'm sorry you feel that way..." and then allow there to be spaces between the words so you can really feel how the words they told you effected you. Write that down. Keep this practice up, until it becomes a new habit.
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